Attachment issues. Bowlby (1969) studied attachment in young children, noticing how children from different familial backgrounds behaved around others. He defined attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings." Although the relationship between caregiver and child begins early in the child's life, this connection serves as a model that frames future relationships. What starts as a survival mechanism in childhood often becomes similar attachment styles in adulthood.
I'm going to isolate each of these relationships to illustrate how my development might have progressed in a vacuum. My most secure relationship was with my dad. On its own, one might gather that I have an easy time trusting and connecting with men (life is not that black-and-white). Since my most insecure relationship was with my mom, this might suggest that I'm quick to avoid relationships with women.
Of course, parents tend not to be the only figures in children's lives. Each of our stories is multifaceted. Extended family members, babysitters, teachers, and others play a role in shaping how children see the world. For example, someone who experienced secure attachments with both parents may endure damage from other social influences. What happens when we lose a parent through mortality or divorce? What happens when the parent we connected to most has an affair and starts a new family elsewhere? Many things contribute to the truths that swim around the unconscious mind. As we always say here: Before we step forward, it's helpful to know where we've been and where we stand at present. Although not solely responsible for the people we are today, the relationships our caregivers have modeled for us have become expectations for future relationships.
One interesting thing to add is how we encounter people who behave unlike our caregivers. The insecure-avoidant attachment style inspired by my mom doesn't stop there. One thing I've grown to notice is that I have a hard time believing that women want to get to know me. Although mostly insecure-avoidant, there's a strong insecure-ambivalent quality to this relationship as well. Because of this, when females express interest in getting to know me, I sometimes don't believe they're being honest. Just as our attachment styles follow us into adulthood, the expectations generated by these attachment styles follow us too. I tend not to trust nice women. It doesn't align with my reality. It doesn't register as real.
But I'm working on it. :) What else can you do, right?
If you have any questions or would like to share some thoughts about your own attachment styles, please leave a message in the contact box on the right-hand side of this page. I'd love to hear from you.
Also, as always, take care of yourself! I hope to see you next time.
