The Dobby Effect

I've never identified with the Harry Potter craze myself, but I do remember one of the movies. While Hermione resonated with me the most, a part of me connected with the incessant shame held by this little house elf.

(Art by Marta)

His name is Dobby. His demeanor is wildly apologetic and laden with guilt. The purpose of house elves is to serve, and they punish themselves if they can't please their superiors properly.

• "Bad Dobby, bad Dobby!"
• "If Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower..."

As if desensitized to thoughts about throwing myself off a building, the most haunting image Dobby paints is when he says "Dobby feels most aggrieved, sir. Dobby had to iron his hands."

While I'm positive I've never taken measures as extreme as Dobby's, the act of balancing shame with physical punishment unfortunately is pretty familiar. Nelissen and Zeelenberg (2009) liken this Dobby Effect to the "notion that sins can be absolved through acts of atonement." Self-punishment is an attempt at regulating inner or outer behaviors that make/have made us feel guilty.

Guilt on its own is a helpful device. It often signals a behavior we probably shouldn't repeat. If we hurt somebody's feelings, for example, we might apologize due to regret or as a step toward vindication. If that guilt lingers, we might try to bring a pain upon ourselves that seems equivalent to the pain we inflicted on the other person.

The tendency to self-punish is often learned, whether physical or emotional. Those of us with hyper-apologetic personalities may self-punish through unconscious habits like biting our lips or pulling out our hair. Others who identify as hyper-apologetic might require heavier punishments like damaging our skin or depriving ourselves of meals.

If you're wondering why people who harm themselves don't just stop, it's not that simple, I wish it were that simple.

What if your guilt seems to exist for no reason?

Girl, SAME.

Sometimes the impact of our parents (or our parents' parents, etc.) trauma trickles down the bloodline.† Both of my parents had difficult childhoods with broken, emotionally deficient family situations. They did their best giving me what they could, but the correlation between emotional unavailability and emptiness survived their best attempts at resolving it.

The most important steps moving forward involve knowing where we come from and knowing where we are now. Per usual, if you want to unload, please feel free use the contact box on the right-hand side of this page. :)

Stay well, friends! Talk to you later.