YOU DON'T KNOW ME
Isn't is weird when you hear things that people say about you? "Pat in sales said X about you." Mind your fucking business, Pat. But... don't we all draw conclusions about people based on what we know? (If you say you're 100% non-judgmental:l o l o k.)
We all draw conclusions based on data we've gathered so we can decide how to proceed with something. These data are not always correct, but we literally all do this. Some people want to draw the line between making a judgement and being judgmental, but I don't have time for that. It's a legit survival mechanism. Let's just accept that what we do with our judgments falls on a scale: Some people are overtly judgmental and others are more covert.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines identity as
[A]n individual’s sense of self defined by (a) a set of physical, psychological, and interpersonal characteristics that is not wholly shared with any other person and (b) a range of affiliations (e.g., ethnicity) and social rolesCommentary on the sense of self:
One of the theories about self I remember from undergrad was Edward Tory Higgins' (1987) self-discrepancy theory. Higgins' theory suggests that we have three selves:
- the actual self
- the ideal self
- the ought self
Drawing from self-discrepancy theory, inconsistencies between one's actual self and ideal self may inspire feelings of sadness or low self-esteem. Inconsistencies between one's actual self and ought self might inspire agitation or guilt.
(Image found on ResearchGate)
Incongruence between these selves causes a lot of mental static. Some would say that depression stems from an actual/ideal discrepancy. Who I really am isn't who I want to be. Where do these standards come from? Where do the expectations that feed the ideal self originate? Let's add a dump truck full of (often unwarranted) external influences to this identity crisis. After all, what would life be if it weren't riddled with obstacles?
On affiliations and social roles:
Part of our identity is indeed contrived from the world around us. Would we be able to form an identity without other people? Think about it. As social creatures, we find purpose in noticing how we relate to others. How do we contribute to the whole, and how does the whole receive us? Where is my place on this social hierarchy? For example, teachers in the United States are pretty poorly received. Society takes advantage of and lacks adequate respect for the work educators do. In Korea, however, teachers are highly esteemed. As a teacher in Korea, I do feel like I'm contributing something valuable and that my work is appreciated.
Messages about our value may also vary according to socioeconomic dis/advantages. Because of my race or cultural background, I might be seen differently and treated differently than somebody of another group. If people deny my basic human rights on a regular basis, what does that to my identity? Doesn't that send a really toxic message, and for literally no reason? Some messages stem from a long line of prejudice, and the effects outstand time. What kind of external messages have I internalized regarding my ethnicity?
On sharing:
I don't think many people share eeeeeverything about themselves. Identity includes things nobody else knows about. Sharing is opening the gate occasionally, while and many things stay inside. Unfortunately, keeping certain things private can welcome inaccurate assumptions by people who think they know more than they do. I'm absolutely not saying we shouldn't keep things private (I'm a pretty private person myself). I'm just saying that, again, judgments are the attempt to make the unknown known.
Impression management:
Impression management according to the APA involves
behaviors intended to control how others perceive oneself, especially by guiding them to attribute desirable traits to oneselfI visualize a Venn diagram when I think about the differences between identity and impression, one circle being identity and the other being impression. There's a theory called impression management that I consider to be the little sideways eyeball thing where the two circles overlap. That's where we try to take control of how people view us, often unconsciously.
But we can't really do that, can we? Public platforms can help us. However, as we learned from the whole West vs. Swift thing, our attempts at impression management aren't always successful.
The APA defines impression formation as
[T]he process in which an individual develops a schema of some object, person, or groupSo let's back up for a moment.
- Identity is generated inside oneself. It's influenced by outside factors, but my identity is mine.
- Impressions, on the other hand, are generated outside oneself. They're influenced by my actions and appearance, but people's impressions of me is not mine.
Impression formation is based on an outsider's story. Let's talk about Pat from sales again.
Pat's ex-husband cheated on her with a woman who has blue eyes. (I'm isolating this variable for illustration.) Depending on the length and depth or her marriage to that douchebag, Pat might develop unconscious reservations about women with blue eyes. Now, let's pretend I have blue eyes. Again, depending on how much pain this affair brought on Pat, my blue eyes might remind her of that pain. She's not necessarily trying to make that connection, but that part of her story informs her impression of me. That connection has very little to do with me, but it leads our potential relationship to weird places.
"Why does Pat have a problem with me? I've never done anything to her."
You just never fucking know. *shrug* Her impression of me is based off an event in her life, an event that is hers. If she's really hurting, she might even snap at me for little things or tell me that my eyes "don't really go with my skin tone" or whatever. Pat might not even know why she doesn't like me; maybe she does. Many times, the "blue eyes" in the equation is a personality trait or another intangible piece of yourself that is way more difficult to detect. The takeaway I want you to understand is that people's impressions of you may have very little to do with anything you've said or done. Of course, if you have said or done something in poor taste, that's an entirely different conversation.
When I find myself taking things personally, I try to remind myself of this misconception. Some things people say about me are mere projections of their own stories. I can't do much to change those projections because people's own histories are colorful and rich in emotion. The most we can do is try to ask ourselves whether or not this person's impression of us is based on actual events. We can try to manage that impression, but the most effective way to combat this kind of discrepancy is to build an identity so solid that inaccurate impressions fall away.
I know it isn't easy. If we're unsure of our character or if we have low self-esteem, we may internalize things that aren't accurate. If Pat was this rude to 14-year-old me for no reason, I'd be really upset and absorb her implications that I'm a terrible person. :( I still have my bad days, you know. I'm pretty sensitive.† But we deserve to believe in ourselves despite other people's judgments. Once again, everyone has a story, so everyone has an opinion, so everyone makes judgments.
If you're looking for someone to talk to, please note that the contact form on the right-hand side of this page is for you. We can talk about the Pat in your life or anything else that's on your mind. I'm here for you, girl. :)
And as always, friends, please take care of yourselves. Until next time! ✌
