Have you heard of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I recommend this book to people on the hunt for self-awareness. Its insights can help us understand relationships in our lives that work and do not work, including the relationship we have with our inner voice.
Each of us has grown up in a family dynamic that sets up our adulthood expectations. These familial relationships tend to be the heaviest influences on our attachment styles,† though of course other influences are present. Whether or not we realize these attachment styles following us, they do follow us. Sometimes we pokerface our way through certain phases of relationships, but these expectations sneak around our unconscious like mice in the attic. For example, the love languages I appreciate most are words of affirmation and quality time.
Let's go through each love language one by one briefly and connect with them together. Knowing how you relate to each of these love languages is helpful for knowing yourself. It's also helpful to keep in mind when reflecting on current or past relationships. Sometimes we express love in one language, and the person on the other end completely misses it because that's not their love language.
- Words of affirmation
To affirm in this context means to encourage or support. One example of words of affirmation is "You make me so happy." If you love expressing your appreciation for people through verbal praise and recognition, this might be your love language. - Acts of service
Service simply means doing something for somebody. For instance, one friend of mine loves cooking for house guests. If you like to do special things for people you love, you might love through acts of service. - Gifts
This is pretty simple. You show your loved ones you appreciate them by giving gifts. My dad loves gift giving, big and small. If you like giving people gifts, this love language could be yours. - Quality time
Maybe you enjoy simply being with people you love. If you enjoy spending time with loved ones regardless of the activity, your love language could be quality time. - Physical touch
Think hugs, holding hands, PDA, and lap dogs. When you love someone, you show it by being in physical contact with them. If you love touching, poking, and hugging people you're close to, this might be your love language.
When it comes to romantic encounters, upon reflection I have to say it varies. I don't fall in love easily because, again, I don't attach and stay attached easily. If I already know the person before we start dating, I'm more likely to trust them and more likely to engage in quality time and acts of service. While I love words and giving gifts, I'd say that stage two includes my service and my time. Stage three is physical touch. It's a tough barrier to break. Childhood attachment styles interact with other theoretical frameworks, like love languages.
As we learn to quantify how much we identify with each of these languages, we get a better look at ourselves. We can identify strongly with a couple of them. (We're basically bilingual!) We can also identify with a few of languages when "speaking" to those we love, but we might only be able to "hear" one or two. This does not mean any relationship is in peril if the languages between people are not the same. It's just a good bit of information to know for building and maintaining those relationships. That being said, it's super helpful to reflect on past or existing relationships to try to understand where certain things fell flat or why certain encounters felt magical. Once we practice these analyses enough, we can look at potential relationships to figure out how to approach the new people in our lives.
Also, what is our language like with our inner self? Quality time is a given, right? But sometimes we avoid quality time by chasing highs, avoiding alone time and the dialogue that circulates inside ourselves.
- What comprises your inner dialogue? (words of affirmation)
Who in our early childhood contributed to the tone of that inner voice? - Do you find relief with retail therapy? (gifts)
When you give yourself gifts, do you feel satisfied? - Do you take good care of yourself? (acts of service)
How do you serve yourself outside of the basic functions like eating and sleeping? - Is alone time relaxing, boring, or scary? (quality time)
How do you feel about solitude? - At what times do you make physical contact with yourself? (physical touch)
What's your body language like when you're by yourself? With others? Etc.
Each of these languages is so dynamic. We can look at expressions of appreciation between ourselves and others, and we can look at how we show appreciation for ourselves. Learning how to speak each other's languages may help us connect in ways we didn't know how to connect before.
If you're looking to connect with a stranger, maybe bat some ideas around, please feel free to use the contact box on the right hand side of this page. It's there because I want you to know somebody is here to listen. Always here. :)
Take care, friends! Until next time.
